TWISTING&SHOUTING.

All coworkers are terrible. Even the most upstanding of colleagues is occasionally the one who is screwing the pooch on everyone else’s day. Even your boss may very well be that mystery colleague who keeps Xeroxing his genitals and sending it as a PDF to everyone in the office. These things happen. As noted in my previous post, if you’re being a terrible coworker, you should probably stop. But really, at one point or another, we have all been that person, even if just for a fleeting moment, myself included. Yes, I have been a Terrible Coworker, and more than once. While I’d like to think that I’ve matured over the years, I was totally once that Coworker who people probably wanted to have fired. Or arrested. Maybe even killed.

When I was 15, I got my first job, working at BiWay. For those not in the know, BiWay was a series of discount stores located throughout Canada. They were so low-rent that they were far below Wal-Mart, and just barely above Value Village. In fact, while the clothing at BiWay was not used, the Village usually trumped it for selection, style, and better smell. BiWay was quite literally the retail equivalent of 2 Girls 1 Cup. It’s disgusting, filled with horrors, and you walk out disturbed and covered in shit.

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Work is a special thing. If you’re lucky, you get to work in an environment that you actually want to be a part of, because you’re interested in the subject matter and what you do. In those special cases, hopefully you get to work with people you get along with, because at least if you’re all interested in your work, you at least have that in common. Having things in common with your work colleagues can be challenging sometimes, because it’s one of those situations in life, like getting stuck in an elevator or being a tribute in the Hunger Games, where essentially you’re all a bunch of strangers being thrown together in the same situation. And like the Hunger Games, killing everyone occasionally crosses your mind. Because that’s the thing about a workplace. You can have an incredible job and fantastic colleagues, but there’s always going to be that one colossal baboon twat who decides to go and ruin everything for everyone else.

Always a wily adversary, the Terrible Coworker can take various forms. The Grumpy Old Bastard Who Should Just Retire Already. The Bitchy Colleague Who Refuses To Help Anyone With Anything. The Whorish Intern Who Gets Away With Not Doing Any Work Because She’s Bonking the Boss. The Boss Who Keeps Bonking the Interns. Every character stereotype from The Office. The Person Who Keeps Eating Other People’s Lunches (for real. Who the fuck do you think you are?!?). Each work place has its own terrible coworker, and no two are exactly the same. It’s like a horrifyingly unique, terribly selfish snowflake.

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The other day, we started a countdown of the Top 10 Disney Villains, by Level of Badassery. Today is the Top 5. You can find 10-6 here. Be warned, this list does not contain anything from The Rescuers Down Under.


5. Queen Grimhilde - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Also known as “The Wicked Witch” or “That Evil Queen, Whatever Her Name Is,” Queen Grimhilde is the original Disney bitchface. And no wonder. I mean for real, her name is Grimhilde. You’d have issues too. What makes her truly evil however, aside from the social climbing she shares with Lady Tremaine, is that she takes out her aggression on a random poor innocent stepdaughter. Like Cinderella, Snow White is kinda lacking in both personality and a sexually attractive hairstyle, however that hardly justifies her punishments. And make no mistake, shit gets real dark when Queen Grimhilde is around. While Lady Tremaine just made Cinderella clean the chimney, The Evil Queen hires a huntsman to go cut out a random girl’s heart from her body, just because she’s pretty. Isn’t that kind of intense for an audience of six year olds?!? I know everyone forgets all of that because Snow White spends half the movie lounging around with a harem of possibly-gay midget miners, but let’s be real. The only thing uglier in life than the Queen’s plan is the giant wart on her witch face.

Crimes: The worst case of vanity this side of Madonna; being named Grimhilde; social climbing; black-widow style husband murder; thinly-veiled allusions to cannibalism; hiring a studly huntsman for services other than a booty call; taking advice from a goddamn mirror; not using her ability to turn into a crazy old witch as a real cool party trick; causing the 1930’s economic struggle of apple farms everywhere; turning into a witch and not getting that wart taken care of; passing along those witch-nose genes into present day, thus giving the world Sarah Jessica Parker.

Justified in Losing? Totally. Lady, what’s your deal? You’re angry that a girl is prettier than you, so you up and decide to turn into the ugliest goddamn witch that has ever been seen?!? Yeah, that’s a great plan. No flaws there.

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Disney villains are badass. Let’s face it, at one point or another, a Disney villain filled your childhood nightmares with visions of animal-print coats, giant bad hats and misappropriated magic genie lamps. While you always knew they would fail in their evil endeavors, at the same time, Disney villains were once really good at scaring the living bejeezus out of you. Other animated villains from rival companies just didn’t compare. Who can actually name the villain from The Secret of Nimh?!? That was my favourite movie when I was three, and yet I still don’t remember. An American Tale?!? I think it was just cats in general, which come to think of it, may have been the villains in The Secret of Nimh as well. Poor cats. Also, poor Don Bluth, because his villains just didn’t compare. The heroes may be fun and all, but everyone knows the Disney villains are where it’s at. And when you look back on these villains in adulthood, you realize that some of the things they do, are just absofuckinglutely totally crazy bonkers. And so, this post is dedicated to those villains, and ranking all the crazy shit they did on their journeys to triumph over heroes with far less personality.

10. Claude Frollo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Hunchback is certainly one of the lamer Disney movies, and Frollo almost lost his spot on this list to another villain from an even lamer Disney movie, Hades from Hercules, until I realized that Hades was just doing his job by being the bad guy. When you’re the God of the Underworld, being evil is what you’re paid for. Frollo, on the other hand, is just totally nuts. He tries to claim he’s heroic by claiming that he saved Quasimodo from a life of scrutiny, but really he’s just a mean guy who doesn’t like anyone except staunchly Catholic white people. He’s like the Pope Benedict of animation, but less gay.

Crimes: Wearing a giant hat and not being Queen Elizabeth; doing mean things “in the name of God”; being nice to a person with a physical deformity to their face, and then calling them names behind their back; attempts at ethnic cleansing; deciding to burn Demi Moore at the stake because he feels guilty about all the penis feelings he has for her; burning down half of Paris because he doesn’t like Gypsies; talking with a snooty accent.

Justified in Losing? Yes. Claude Frollo is pretty evil, and never in a fun way like Hades. Maybe that’s because he’s not voiced by James Woods, but he still doesn’t hold a candle to Quasimodo. That guy is the human equivalent of a pug. Totally ugly, but in an adorable sort of way.

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Before I begin, I will preface all of this by saying that I’m a fan of Anne Hathaway. So, take from that what you will. If you hate Anne Hathaway, you and I probably won’t see eye to eye on this, and that’s fine. In fact, that’s the whole point.
 
So, Anne Hathaway went and did as everyone predicted this past Sunday night, and won an Oscar. This was generally expected, as much a given on Oscar night as Jack Nicholson showing up in sunglasses. Her performance in Les Miserables left her so far ahead of the pack that everyone saw her victory a mile away. Hell, even Sally Field joked about it during Seth McFarlane’s opening monologue. It was just a given.
 
What was not a given was the level of hatred and vitriol foisted upon Anne Hathaway ever since. There’s long been the idea that Anne is somewhat a polarizing star. There are those that love her and those that hate her. And this year, she’s been everywhere, so people have noticed that a lot, and given a bunch of opinions about that. She hosted Saturday Night Live, she won every Supporting Actress award that exists, and on the side, starred in the final chapter of the biggest film franchise on the planet. She also cut her hair short for a movie, guest-voiced on The Simpsons, rapped on Conan O’Brien, and got married.
 
Apparently, what all of this means is that she’s the worst fucking person on the planet, ever. If you read some people’s opinions, all of these achievements make Anne Hathaway film’s equivalent to Stalin. To a baby seal hunter. To Nickelback.
 
And really, I think that this is all just a load of horseshit.
 

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Yesterday and into this morning, mama nature decided to turn the GTA into her own personal Icee machine, and dumped a whole lotta slushie snow horseshit all over this fine city. It’s been wet, and messy, and occasionally pretty, but mostly messy again, and then just totally gross. As a result, the city collectively gathered together and went totally bonkers, which is apparently something that Toronto is amazing at when it snows. Traffic was stalled. People stayed home from work. The motherfucking TTC was running its subways every 10 goddamn minutes. Yet for some reason, people in the GTA seem to forget about snow all the time, even if we had a whole bunch of it just last week, and y’know, it’s winter and we live in Canada. Regardless of these facts, winter is a mystery to most, a surprise to some, and a pain in the ass to all. Since everyone seems to collectively forget what to do when a snow storm hits, I present to you all a handy how-to guide on what to do during a snow storm. Read this and I guarantee that you’ll be the wise, cool friend who, when someone says “what is this cool, white substance falling from the sky?!?” you can explain “Snow is precipitation in the form of flakes of crystalline water ice that fall from clouds.” Y’know, because that will make you socool.

The night before the snow storm, casually discuss with your friends, colleagues and family members how apparently there’s supposed to be a snow storm tonight. “Hey, did you hear it’s going to snow tonight?” someone says to you. “What is snow?!?” you think to yourself, as you casually walk away from your friend, because they said something to you that doesn’t involve something interesting, like Anne Hathaway’s nipple dress, or a cat video. “The snow is not of importance” you think. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Before going to bed, wonder whether this alleged “snow storm” will actually be true. Reflect upon that time when we were supposed to get a “Snowmageddon” back in early 2011, and you were really hoping for that snow day, and then it didn’t happen, and all of your faith was lost in nature/winter/humanity/science. Look up at Mother nature with squinty eyes, and say “we’ll see about you.” Go to bed in peace, sleeping through all the thundersnow that is currently about to roll through and absolutely plow your life with a bumpy decorative gourd, right in the ass.

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IT’S OSCAR TIME, BITCHES!!! Yes, my favourite time of the awards season has arrived. That moment of heartbreaking emotional speeches, glamourous outfits, Oprah showing up like she owns the place (even though bitch hasn’t been in a movie in like, forever), and George Clooney sitting in the front row so he can trade inside jokes with everyone who walks on the goddamn stage. It’s Oscars, 2013. And I’m ready. Are you?
 
Probably not, which is why you’re reading this post, to bone up on some handy Oscar predictions. I decided to write this, because obviously what the internet totally needed was another snarky person giving completely unjustified predictions on an awards show that has no bearing whatsoever on anything important, like, I don’t know, poverty or something. And so, you’re welcome, Internet. I know you wanted this. And so, here it is. Please read up on this cheat sheet, and you’ll be all set for Oscars 2013.
 
In no way does this prepare you for the fact that Seth McFarlane is hosting, which essentially means someone is going to be hosting the Oscars and talking like Stewie Griffin at the same time. For over three hours. Make sure you are drunk for that. It’s the only way to survive.
 
HERE WE GO. And if you don’t like this, you can Argo fuck yourself.
 
 
Best Picture
 
Nominees:
Amour
Argo
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Les Miserables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
 
Will Win: Argo
Ben Affleck’s snub in the Best Director category has only helped Argo, as in the past weeks, it has trounced its primary competition, Lincoln, in every single precursor prize. While a movie without a best Director nomination hasn’t won since Driving Miss Daisy in 1989, look for that little shred of history to repeat itself this year. Why? Because the movie is about Hollywood saving the day, and Hollywood loves to congratulate itself. Congratulations, Hollywood!! You were awesome at doing that one good thing that one time 30 years ago. You are almost forgiven for cancelling Arrested Development. ALMOST.
 
Should Win: Silver Linings Playbook
Sometimes less is more, and David O. Russell successfully displayed that by turning the romcom genre on its ear, and delivering a mesmerizing, humanely touching, and hilarious film about love, mental health, and football. For being able to successfully blend all those wacko elements, and garner a slew of Oscar-worthy performances, the film deserves notice.
 
Robbed of a Nomination: Skyfall
It’s funny how the Academy expanded the Best Picture field to accommodate more commercial fare such as Skyfall, and it still didn’t get nominated. Briskly paced, full of incredible performances, and full of more emotional heft than any other action movie since The Dark Knight, to recognize Skyfall would have been a culmination on 50 years of Bond being an essential part of cinema. Shame on the Academy for failing to recognize that.
 
Most Likely to Go Crazy Upon Losing: Ben Affleck
Dude has been campaigning SO HARD, you guys. Even Jennifer Garner has been taking the kids out for extra public treks for frozen yogurt. Everyone in the Affleck family is doing their part. If Argo loses, watch as Ben shame spirals all the way into Gigli 2.

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You should date my friend. I know, blind dates and playing matchmaker is super lame, but in the spirit of this commercially foisted-upon-us tribute to a random saint, I think you should take it upon yourself to just read along and see what you’re missing. Because you’re missing out.
 
Sidenote: This is the part where I put in a disclaimer about how all of these fine singles are straight ladies and gay guys, because all of my straight male friends are paired off already. Sorry straight girls. If I had a single straight male friend, I would have hooked him up with you already.
 
You should date my friend because she plays beer league baseball in the summer. You should date her because she loves working in non-profit, and when not spending time doing that, she volunteers with newcomers to Canada, helping them ease the transition to Canadian society. You should date her because she owns the two coolest cats I’ve ever met. You should date her because she has amazing hair, is a mean vegetarian cook, hosts wild parties, and can drink your loudmouth friend under the table. You should date my friend because she’s a multitasker, one who always has 7 projects on the go, and somehow is amazing at all of them. You should date her because she always has her ear to the ground for what’s going in in the city, and a night spent out on the town with her is not one you’ll soon forget. Because she has great style, a wicked sense of humor, she’s cultured, sensitive to others, and owns a record player. You should date my friend.

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It’s happened to all of us. You meet someone whom you’re interested in, probably online, and convince them that you are worthy of some one-on-one time, with the option of potential sex and cohabitation either later that night or down the road. However, every once in a while we accidentally put pressure on ourselves by going out with someone who is out of your league. If the dating world is a caste system, then most often you’re optimistically trying to find someone great, but end up slumming it with whoever is willing to pay attention to you. Sometimes, said optimistic attempts turn into obvious, horrific failures. Suddenly, the pressure is motherfucking on. But not to be awesome. Instead, it’s to get out as fast as you can. I do not do well in these situations, since I generally react to guys who lie in online dating profiles like Adele yelling at Chris Brown at the Grammys. For those who I dated, and those who always wondered why I always came home and went “well, I don’t think I’ll be calling him, since he said he was a non-profit lawyer that looks like Mark Ruffalo and ended up being a homeless, crack addicted version of Steve Buscemi,” below is my inner monologue on those such dates.
 

 
Oh man, here we go. Another random date with a complete stranger. Why can’t I meet someone at a house party or something? Oh right, because you freeze up like Courtney Love during a random drug test. Man, whatever happened to Courtney Love?!? Who knows, maybe this date will be a good one. He seemed nice from his OK Cupid messages. I just wonder about those photos. Soft lighting and kinda fuzzy always says “I took this in 2004 when I was more attractive” or, “I’m secretly Courtney Love.”
 
Photos be damned though! You’re on this date because you want to meet new people, perhaps with the option of someone you want to date and do sex things with. And seeing as your attempts at such things in bars have left you with a lot of drunken nights alone with a bag of McDonald’s and surfing Pornhub, you need to try more! And not just looking for tall, dark and handsome successful men! So bring ‘em on! Guys under 5’5”! Unemployed hipsters! Guys who casually describe their overweight stature as “husky!” Male gingers! It’s time to broaden those horizons! After all, you can’t help who you fall in love with. How else do you explain that gorgeous piece of Hemsworth meat falling in love with Miley Cyrus. You are an interesting person with a good job and no pill addictions, so naturally you have something to offer, and should make the best of this opportunity.
 
Hmmmm, he seems to be running late. That barista is giving me the look of “dude, if you’re homeless you should leave, so maybe just order a latte already and stop standing near the menu.” Maybe I’ll just order my beverage and get us a table. That’s proactive! Is that too keen? Oh whatever, I’m on time. And hungry. Maybe I can order a donut and eat it before he gets here… Yes, latte boy, I’d like an apple fritter and a skinny vanilla latte. Y’know, because I’m watching my calories.
 
JESUS WHO IS TAPPING ME ON THE SHOULDER?!?!? Can’t you see I have my headphones in?!? Oh, it’s a small Hobbit, and he looks lost from the Shire. Did Gandalf lose you somewhere? He kind of has Gollum eyes. Oh, so YOU’RE Chris? The one from OK Cupid?!? You mean the guy I was talking to earlier today and agreed to go out in public with? Those pictures totally lead people astray, dude. For real, did you Photoshop the One Ring out from all of your photos?
 
Oh, wow. This is my date. I’m on Mount Doom.

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It’s happened to all of us. You meet someone whom you’re attracted to, and convince them that you are worthy of some one-on-one time, with the option of potential sex and cohabitation either later that night or down the road. However, every once in a while we accidentally put pressure on ourselves by going out with someone who is out of your league. If the dating world is a caste system, then most often you’re slumming it with whoever is willing to pay attention to you. But once in a while, you find yourself with an opportunity to move up a caste or two. Suddenly, the pressure is motherfucking on. I do not do well in these situations, since I generally react to attractive guys talking to me like I’m a deer caught in the headlights at a monster truck rally. For those who I dated, and those who always wondered why I always came home and went “well, I don’t think he’ll be calling me, since he deleted his number from my phone and told me he was looking into a restraining order,” below is my inner monologue on those such dates.
 
Oh boy, you have 15 minutes until he arrives. Are you ready? How’s your hair? Were these pants really the right choice? What if he’s uber successful and he judges me because my pants are from H&M?!? Does my belt cover the label? Good. He can probably smell your $30 pants from a mile away. Rich gays have an ESP for things like that. Why don’t you own nice things? At least your hair looks great. And your outfit resembles someone who may or may not be naturally hip and interesting. “Unique” but without the underlying connotations of being a sewer mutant. Work with that.
 
You’re on time. Where is he? Am I waiting in the right spot? You should check your phone. You won’t be able to until the first bathroom break so maybe you should do that now, but just do it casually, not like you’re eagerly waiting for a text from him or wow thing. CHECK YOUR PHONE. Oh wait, there he is, across the street and strolling over to you in a way that doesn’t even suggest the slightest hint of flamboyance, unlike you who walks like he’s in a Beyoncé video at all times. And shit, he’s handsome. Oh, fuckles.

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